Manic Monday: Domesticating the Tapeworm

MANIC MONDAYS is a weekly feature concentrating on writing that is odd and quirky to assist in breaking up the dreaded return to the work week. This series is an open submission series, so if you have something off-beat to contribute send it our way!

 

One of my Face Book friends–who’s also a Real Life friend–is whining and sniveling about a story she’s sick of seeing at the top of her feed. Sharon is not referring to a story about our government closing its doors. Who cares about the Shut Down a man ate sushi six-months ago and grew a 5-foot tapeworm?

Now, Sharon recently ate sushi for lunch, and is now convinced she is growing a tapeworm. Knowing her as well as I do–like 30 years–she will worry so much about growing a tapeworm that she’ll grow a God damn ulcer. Sharon is a nut.

I, on the other hand, am brilliant. I read the entire thread–she has well-informed friends. I learned that eating sushi made from wild fish, cod in particular, is a surefire way to catch a tapeworm. So, I told Sharon I went looking for wild cod sushi after reading her post, hoping to catch a tapeworm. People with tapeworms lose weight. Doesn’t matter how many calories, carbohydrates or fat grams they eat. They’re really eating for two.

I will name my tapeworm Larry, and if he does his job well, I will reward him. Here’s the deal: after I lose 20 pounds, I will again eat sushi made from wild cod hoping to grow Lucy. Lucy will be Larry’s significant other. Working together, side-by-side, they will allow me to eat whatever I like for the rest of my life. My part of the deal is my promise to keep them well-fed.

Yep, I’m domesticating the tapeworm. Sharon is so excited by my idea that she’s already started a Face Book group called Wormers. Like I said, she’s a nut.

Annie Aronson

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